I am broken and lost
these past few days i have been feeling like i don’t know who i am , it is like i have a wall that keeps me away from being who i am,i am lost in all my aspects of life , i try everyday to wake up, keep moving and act as if everything is under control but it is hard. i no longer see where i am going. I used to have this big vision of myself that motivated me but with time i went with the flow, my focus changed and here i am lost and confused.
why am i back on my blog when i told you i was going to focus on my YouTube channel ??
I told myself that it was time for me to now focus on my YouTube channel and let my blog sleep because that was the trending thing right now but lately i have been feeling off as if my content creation side is dead. i have tried everything ( gave myself space, tried new activities, went back to my old schedule to see if i can turn on my creative side etc… )and it didn’t work but now i decided to come here where it all started may be i can find answers, maybe siting down and writing is going to help me figure out what’s happening or maybe not !!!
Blogging was my little escape from the world, i remember starting this whole blog journey i just wanted to put my vulnerability out there hoping that i can help someone who is going through the same thing as i did back then, i remember the adrenaline rushing through my veins writing down my stories , sharing my experiences with you guys, i remember how happy i was seeing people reposting my blogs, sending me DMs about how proud they are and how i helped them change and love themselves, i remember people i inspired on starting new things and being true to themselves, i was so happy because at least my pain, tears, my failures and success were helping someone out there. Finally i was doing something important and positive, i was making A CHANGE in someone’s life but with time i started caring more about what i can earn with this platform not helping people. they said: ” you can make a lot of money with your blog.” and i was like really ? like i can really making a living from this ???? and i started drifting away from my purpose and i started rebranding, making this space more about fashion, beauty and less than me which i also enjoy but here the focus was more on the money not the change . I would spend more time googling about the next article, what’s trending, what is everyone doing in the game, it was no longer about helping people and encourage them now it became more about how much i can make through one blog, one click.
I am not going to lie i loved it too, i enjoyed creating fashion and beauty content it is also a part of me and i was helping people with tips and tricks in those niches. not only i was making some few scents and learning new things but it also allowed me to meet amazing souls, i went to different places, discovered myself and i loved the process but still i forgot why i started a little bit. i remember once i was on a live session with a friend and she asked me which type of content i loved writing about ? in my head what came first was sharing my story, whenever i did a blog that included my personal experience i was so hyped and the ideas were always so many but i responded that i loved doing fashion or lifestyle i don’t remember ,now looking back i think it was a sign that i should revaluate myself and go back to my roots but i was carried away with money, likes and shares and my page was growing day by day …..
it moved from there and i went for youtube, they said you can rock it !! and i was like why not !!!
i went for YouTube i started creating content , shooting video and i was so excited doing this but with youtube it was different. it was a different vibe i felt like something wasn’t right , i felt like it wasn’t for me but i kept trying because they believed in me and i didn’t want to dissapoint them i wanted to deliver but it was hard.
i remember trying one month and gave up, the next this time i said let me just focus on YouTube but still something wasn’t right i felt something was wrong, my passion was gone, i enjoyed doing fashion and beauty blogs but it was so hard for me to do a video about that , while going through all of that i realized that i lost myself in all of that, i sat down and i thought about rebranding. i no longer wanted to be just a fashion blogger i wanted to be more ,but above all that i wanted to be me again and align with my purpose so i rebranded and it was the best feeling ever.
after a certain period i started feeling the emptiness again and wondered what was wrong ? i thought maybe it’s because YouTube comes with a lot of responsibilities with time maybe it ll go away so i kept pushing .
i kept shooting and uploading but still i wasn’t hyped so my heart told me go back to where it all started maybe I ll find answer and here i am doing the thing i loved the most BLOGGING trying to find myself. Maybe writing this blog will help me find out what’s wrong or maybe not but m just doing it. but one thing for sure i missed doing this, putting my feelings on a paper which i love. I am back to square one sharing my story hoping it will save someone ,this time that someone is me , i am writing this hoping that if I read it after i will find what’s missing and go on with this whole journey or leave it .
For now i don’t know what to do, i m stuck but one thing for sure whatever decision i take i want to be happy, do what brings peace and fulfillment to my heart, i want to do something and when i look back I want be happy that someone is feeling great and confident because of what i did and i must admit sitting here and writing hits different than shooting a video. Whatever i choose to go with i pray to God that i don’t get lost , that i create content that i m happy with not for the likes and share. i may even go with both of them but still i want to feel happy to put content out there not drained. i love being a blogger it is a part of me and i don’t want to let it go , YouTube is new for me and i am not going to lie it always feel like m doing too much there so it is going to take me time to figure out what to do with my channel , from now i am going to be gentle with myself, listen to myself more and stop doing THIS like THEM and do it like ME . Pastor Mike once said chase your purpose money will come after now i feel it, i got carried away by the paper chasing that i forget my purpose that is why i no longer felt the adrenaline while shooting content instead i felt pressure and maybe that is why i am stuck .
this time i m going to focus on my purpose and let God take the wheel. wish me luck this is a new level of growth it is scary but it is worth the try. CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS AND SELF DISCOVERY.